with that in mind, i know we don't usually say that we fall in love with our friends, but i want permission to start doing so. intellectually, it's essentially the same process, taking our minds to that place without our consent (we can't change our friends or lovers or even our interests without changing who--or at least how--we are). obviously there are drastically different hormones released in the other case, but that clarification is usually not needed in context.
on that note, i have, several times now, watched myself fall in love, each time to a higher degree of resolution; from such observation, i've gained much insight as to why i do love, or have come to love, certain people. not surprisingly, as that understanding grows, understanding of myself grows as well.
when this period of reflection started several years ago, i was dissatisfied enough with my life that my exploration was largely uninhibited; asking myself seriously probing questions and accepting the often-ugly truth was not only condoned, but welcomed, even encouraged. after all, at trying to understand why i would get involved in such destructive and absurd situations, i had already failed me not once, but twice.
this odd abortion of pride and tendency to crave truth over everything else (including happiness) ultimately left me much more aware and less afraid of myself. i felt like i was in this full-blown learning mode, where everything i did and everyone i met was an experience from which new understanding could be gained. for all my schooling and knowledge, it was the first time i felt any wiser. little did i know that i was barely scratching the surface of self-awareness, but i'll save that for another time.
ultimately, two crucial relationships came to pass that would kick-start my journey from that awkwardly raw awakened state to where and who i am now. the first was a classic example of falling in love with a girl, with just enough of a spin on it to open my eyes in a whole new way. our romantic involvement was cut short for both personal and circumstantial reasons (aka we were fools), but the relationship continued to grow in unforeseen ways until i had all but redefined my notions of love, reality, and even god. we shared the same sort of unabridged wonder for the world, and through simple exchanges of relatively few words with this other person, i had convinced myself that, even though i couldn't put my finger on it, there was indeed something more to this world than is implied by the usual agnostic naturalist beliefs i held at the time (disclaimer: it will become clear in time that i mean nothing magical or otherwise supernatural by this). even more importantly, this wasn't a decision based more than slightly on faith; in fact, to some extent, i had deduced it, reasoned it logically from accepted naturalist premises and this new empirical--albeit subjetive--evidence.
this odd abortion of pride and tendency to crave truth over everything else (including happiness) ultimately left me much more aware and less afraid of myself. i felt like i was in this full-blown learning mode, where everything i did and everyone i met was an experience from which new understanding could be gained. for all my schooling and knowledge, it was the first time i felt any wiser. little did i know that i was barely scratching the surface of self-awareness, but i'll save that for another time.
ultimately, two crucial relationships came to pass that would kick-start my journey from that awkwardly raw awakened state to where and who i am now. the first was a classic example of falling in love with a girl, with just enough of a spin on it to open my eyes in a whole new way. our romantic involvement was cut short for both personal and circumstantial reasons (aka we were fools), but the relationship continued to grow in unforeseen ways until i had all but redefined my notions of love, reality, and even god. we shared the same sort of unabridged wonder for the world, and through simple exchanges of relatively few words with this other person, i had convinced myself that, even though i couldn't put my finger on it, there was indeed something more to this world than is implied by the usual agnostic naturalist beliefs i held at the time (disclaimer: it will become clear in time that i mean nothing magical or otherwise supernatural by this). even more importantly, this wasn't a decision based more than slightly on faith; in fact, to some extent, i had deduced it, reasoned it logically from accepted naturalist premises and this new empirical--albeit subjetive--evidence.
that said, at the time, i could at best only hint at what that "something more" actually is. it took an even closer and more unusual look at an entirely different encounter to finally see that which is hidden in plain sight, literally right in front of and all around us.